Being the Mother-In-Law

In-law relationships are a touchy subject. Jokes abound that make mothers-in-law look like the devil's little sister. I'm in the mother-in-law stage of life, and it is really hard. I now work hard to avoid being the meddling mother-in-law and to have healthy boundaries with my married children. But I can see how the transition that happens after a child is married can be difficult for parents.

I raised my children to be very independent. They always worked hard at home and learned to do things for themselves. But when they got married, I wanted to help them avoid some of the pitfalls my husband and I had fallen into. I had good intentions, but those good intentions were definitely misguided. I was a pro at giving unsolicited advice and I was over zealous about trying to help. What I didn't realize at the time, was that by trying to help fix everything for my married kids, I was also handicapping them by not allowing them to go through difficult experiences together. It took my husband to remind me that we had to go through our first years of marriage figuring everything out on our own. We didn't have anyone to ask for advice. The result was a strong marriage where we relied solely on each other, and developed mutual respect and deep friendship. My husband is a very wise man!

Since then, I've gotten really good at keeping my nose out of places it doesn't belong. The payoff is when my daughter calls to tell me about an issue that they have finally figured out how to deal with. She will tell me about their compromise and how they reached their agreement, and I will congratulate them both on their patience and maturity. I get to watch their relationship get stronger, and it is beautiful.

A less difficult aspect of parenting married children revolves around the holidays. From my own experiences, I've learned to give them some freedom and slack about holidays. For most of my marriage, my family insisted we spend holidays and special occasions with them. It wasn't until my kids started asking if we could stay home on Christmas Day that we made a change. My extended family wasn't happy, but my kids were thrilled. We've since been able to establish our own traditions and rituals.


With my married children we've been able to establish a good balance that makes everyone happy. We've started having a family Christmas party the week before the holiday so each couple can enjoy the holiday privately at home. For the remainder of the holidays, the couples switch between families, or spent it together. The arrangement helps my married kids feel like thy have the ability to bow out of family activities and build their own traditions.

I'm grateful that I didn't struggle with this aspect of having married children. The pressure I felt to spend every occasion with family was tremendous, and I don't want to pass on that particular tradition to my kids. It has also helped avoid the tug-of-war that many families feel. We aren't fighting over who has the couple over on what holiday. Usually the couple will tell us a few weeks in advance what their holiday plans are. It has given them healthy boundaries and the freedom to find their identity as a couple.

A couple's identity is very important. It allows them to grow and learn together and decide who they want to be as a couple. This requires them to separate from their parents and learn to rely on, and confide in each other. Spencer W. Kimball, former president of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, has said, "Couples do well to immediately find their own home, separate and apart from that of the in-laws on either side. . . Your married life should become independent of his folks and her folks. . . Live your own lives, being governed by your own decisions. . ."

Navigating the in-law waters can be difficult for both the married couple, and their parents. Healthy boundaries and good communication will make the transition easier and allow the new married couple the opportunity to grow together and become unified as husband and wife. As parents, and in-laws, that is one of the greatest gifts we can give them.

Power in Marriage

Power in relationships can be a very touchy subject. Each couple has to find their own balance. However, both partners should be involved in the process. Marriage should be a partnership where each person has equal say in decisions. I like to think of it as an executive committee. Each member has equal input into what happens in the relationship. No one is higher or better than the other. Sharing power shows both partners that they are loved, respected and that their ideas and opinions are important.

Power inequalities can cause major problems in a marriage. I know one couple that has, and continues to have, major issues. My friend, lets call her Ellen,  has lived under her husband's thumb for decades. Ellen's husband, lets call him Dave, is very authoritarian and sees his word as law. He makes sure everyone knows that he is the most important person in the relationship. In over 20 years of marriage, Ellen has only had access to a car on days that family members have appointments, and even then, the mileage is carefully recorded. She has never been allowed the freedom to do the things she wants. Dave gives her very little money to buy groceries and other necessities, while he eats out at restaurants at least two meals a day. This has taken its toll on their relationship, and left Ellen feeling depressed, lonely and with no self-esteem.

Ideally, Dave would value Ellen, and her role as wife and mother. Her contribution, and her role as a wife and mother are equally important to his role as provider and leader in the family. Unfortunately, his sense of self-importance and pride get in the way. He isn't willing to give up anything for his family.

Do you remember a few weeks back when we talked about sacrifice? I mentioned a quote from Goddard's book, "Drawing Heaven into your Marriage". It said, "We are devoted to finding happiness-and we are seeking happiness in ways theat guarantee emptiness." Happiness in marriage comes as partners work together as equals to build something lasting and beautiful. We are left empty if we are only trying to glorify ourselves or exert our power and influence to keep our partner down. When that happens, the couple is missing out on the very best part of marriage!

As a priesthood holder, the husband has the responsibility to provide for his family, protect them and lead them. That leadership should be uplifting and guide family members toward love and unity. President Spencer W. Kimball spoke of the leadership qualities that Christ possessed. He led by example, never expecting anyone to do anything that He wasn't already doing. He loved, mentored and guided his disciples toward God. He showed love through service and example, just as each partner in a marriage should.

Through service to each other, a couple's love and admiration is deepened and their relationship is strengthened. Service also helps balance out power in a relationship. We can't feel superior to someone we serve. We can only feel gratitude and love for them.

Sexual Intimacy in Marriage

I had a very interesting experience while teaching a group of young women in church. The topic of the lesson was the law of chastity. I was very open about God's expectations on the subject, as well as the purpose of sexual intimacy and why we should wait until marriage.  One of the things that surprised me most was the look on their faces when I told them that sex in marriage is an expression of true love, that the sexual relationship between a husband and wife is ordained by God, and that it was a beautiful expression of love and unity in marriage. I think their jaws all hit the floor. They told me that it was the first time they had not been told that sex was bad and something to be avoided. It was my turn to wear a shocked expression.

In that moment, all I could think was that we have failed these youth. Their whole lives, they have been told that God's creative powers were bad. I did my best to set things straight and help them to understand the truth about sex.

 The reality is, that sexual intimacy is a beautiful gift from God to man. The physical desires we feel are natural and God given; they aren't just a biological urge or lust. We are to, very literally, become one with our spouse through those feelings and desires. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland said,

"In this ultimate physical expression of one man and one woman, they are as nearly and as literally one as two separate physical bodies can ever be. It is in that act of ultimate physical intimacy that we most nearly fulfill the commandment of the Lord given to Adam and Eve, living symbols for all married couples, when He invited them to cleave unto one another only, and thus become one flesh."

Sexual intimacy brings a husband and wife closer together in the ultimate expression of love. They are giving themselves, body and soul, to each other. I can think of nothing more powerful, beautiful, or meaningful than that.

Inside each of us, universally given to every man and woman on earth, is the spark of creation.  We carry within us the very creative powers of God; the power to create unity, love, service and life, as we share this give with our spouse. Intimacy is a reminder of the  commitment we have made to unity, fidelity and love.

Without fidelity in marriage, sexual intimacy loses its beauty and meaning. When we get married, we are making an explicit promise of faithfulness. We are committing to share that holy expression of love with no one but our spouse. Unfortunately, in today's world, there are an almost unlimited number of ways to be unfaithful. When we talk of fidelity, we usually think of refraining from sexual contact with anyone but our spouse. But the less discussed, but more prevalent, forms of fidelity are equally damaging.

Pornography is a major factor in infidelity and divorce. It is addictive and gives users false ideas about the nature of intimacy and relationships. It is a counterfeit to the beautiful expression of love that is what a marriage relationship should be. Even though there is no physical contact, desires are directed somewhere other than toward a spouse. The results are broken trust, broken hearts and broken relationships. President Gordon B Hinckley said, "Pornography has the effect of damaging hearts and souls to their very depths, strangling the life out of relationships." We must avoid anything that might damage our relationships with our spouse.

God has given each of us His procreative powers, and the power to become one as a married couple. It has been given to us in an unlimited way, and "the only control placed on us is self-control. Surely God's trust in us to respect this gift is an awesomely staggering one (Elder Holland)." We must always remember that sexual intimacy is a holy impulse with a holy purpose, and to treat that relationship as the powerful symbol of love and commitment that it is meant to be.

The Power of Hopes and Dreams in Marriage

The dreams and goals we have for our lives are very powerful. Until this week, I had never realized  just how deeply those dreams affect our lives and our relationships with our spouse. Before we can talk about the effects of our dreams, we need to understand the concept of gridlock. According to Dr. Gottman, gridlock is when you, and your spouse,  can't find a way to accommodate an ongoing argument or issue. Basically, you have the same argument over and over, it is becoming polarizing, and compromise is impossible without feeling like you are giving up something important to your core values and beliefs.

I want you to imagine a huge traffic jam on a busy freeway. Traffic is backed up for miles, with no end in sight. It's hot, you're hungry, you're running late. You can't move forward or backward because something has happened ahead of you. All you can do is sit and hope it gets cleared up quickly. We call this gridlock, and it is the perfect word to describe the inability to get past a problem in marriage, as well as on the road.

In marriage, if an issue is causing gridlock, it isn't going away. This can't be cleared up or solved by discussing it; it is an issue that is hurtful, deeply rooted, and overwhelming. This is where our dreams and goals come in. If we are experiencing gridlock in our marriage, it is a sign that you have dreams for your life that the other person isn't aware of, hasn't acknowledged, or doesn't respect. These dreams are your hopes, aspirations and wishes that are part of your identity. They help make you what you are and give meaning to your life. If each partner's dreams aren't made important in the relationship, gridlock occurs.

In my marriage, my husband and I fight all summer long about vacations and plans. I love to go new places and see new things, and he likes to stay close to home. It is a huge source of contention for us.
For me, travel and adventure are very important. I was a stay at home mom for over 20 years. I gave up everything I wanted to do, or become, in order to raise my children; and I'd do it all over again in a heartbeat. It was very rewarding. But, now that my kids are older, I'm beginning to feel the things I missed out on, or gave up, to be a mom. Some of the things I wanted when I was younger are becoming important again, but for different reasons. For most of my life, I was tied to my home, the diaper bag, and my kid's routines and needs. There were times when I was discouraged and it felt like I was in prison. I didn't have any choice about what happened in my life, or what I got to do, my kid's needs determined everything. Now that they are older, I am feeling more freedom to explore my own dreams and needs. I need to feel free. I need adventure, instead of routines. I need to expand my horizons beyond my front door. My husband just can't understand.

He works an extremely high stress job. He deals with other people's problems all day, every day. He sees the most dysfunctional people and relationships. For him,being home is a source of peace. He sees the worst, and home is his haven. He doesn't want to travel anywhere, he wants peace from the issues he deals with at work.

Our dreams, and needs, are completely at odds with each other. We are gridlocked. It will take work and patience to get into a good place. Thankfully, Dr. Gottman has developed strategies to deal with gridlock.

First, we have to be willing to explore each other's dreams and the feelings behind them. We need to talk about the "why's" behind our desires. This is probably going to be difficult and emotional, so we need to be prepared. We have to listen, and try to understand each other's feelings and emotions.
Second, we have to be prepared to soothe each other if the discussion gets heated. Watch for emotional flooding and use repairs, or strategies to lighten the mood. Sometimes, it might be necessary to take a break and cool down.

Finally, it is vital that we reach a compromise. Each partner has to decide what they are willing to give up, and what they can't compromise on, then work within that framework. Find an arrangement you can both live with. If you are both willing to be flexible, it is possible for the issue to stop being a source of pain and conflict. That is the goal! It doesn't change, our align our dreams, but it does allow us to understand and support each other.

Anger in Marriage

Anger. Ever felt it? I think it might be one of the most damaging things in a marriage, over the long term, if it isn't resolved or dealt with. So many times, in my own marriage, I have felt completely justified in being unreasonably angry with my husband. So many times, I just knew I was right, and that's all I cared about.

The worst part about being angry, is that I tell myself that I can't help being mad. Someone else "made me lose my temper". This is a lie. No one held a gun to my head and told me I had to be mad. I was never threatened with harm if I didn't lose control. The only person that has any responsibility for my reactions is me. It isn't an accident, or something that just happens. It is a choice I make, and it is usually a bad one.

When I was a kid, I had a shirt that said, "The Devil Made Me Do It" along with a picture of a pitch fork and devil horns. It was my favorite shirt for a long time. I even used it as a excuse when I got into trouble. My mom would say, "Toni, doing the right thing is always a choice. The Devil doesn't make us do anything." I think I can apply Mom's wisdom to anger in my marriage.

When something upsets us or floods us with emotion, it can be so difficult to choose our reaction. It is natural to get angry and lash out. Viktor E. Frankl, author and holocaust survivor, said,
"Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom."

Frankl is implying that we react without thinking. We don't choose our behavior, and our reactions are just a reflex; something we can't help but do. But he wants us to take a moment when we are angry to find the "space"; the small moment in time where we feel the hurt or anger, but are still rational enough to make decisions. It is a small space that requires that we be attuned to our emotions, habits and opportunities. It is in that space that we have the chance to be different, to grow and free ourselves from excuses. We get to choose to respond reasonably, kindly, and civilly. That space happens right before "the Devil makes us do it". It is when we get to choose to be at our best, or our worst.

It is so easy to get angry with our loved ones. It makes no sense that the people we love the most are the one's we treat the worst. It has been suggested that when we find ourselves in that "space", we should react to our spouse or family member the way we would react to a stranger. When a stranger bumps into us, we say "excuse me", not "watch it!". We allow strangers to make mistakes, but we can't seem to show that same generosity to the ones we love the most. But it doesn't have to be that way.

Our spouse deserves our greatest generosity; our whole soul and our best efforts. I know that I often react harshly and without thinking about the affect of my words, but strangely, I often recognize the "space" and still choose anger. Today, I resolve to do better, and be better; to love more thoroughly, forgive more freely, and take the opportunity to grow closer to my spouse instead of pushing him away with my angry reactions.

Beware of Pride

Does anyone else feel like the world has become all about the individual? We hear phrases like "You do you", or "whatever makes you happy" and we can see that the world has adopted an "all for me" philosophy. There are many people that are unwilling to make themselves unhappy or uncomfortable for any reason. According to H. W. Goddard, "We are devoted to finding happiness-and we are seeking happiness in ways that guarantee emptiness." Notice that he didn't say ways that guarantee unhappiness; he said emptiness. Unhappiness means- the feeling of not being satisfied or pleased with a situation. But look at the word emptiness. It means-the quality of lacking meaning or sincerity; meaninglessness or the quality of having no value or purpose; futility.

This "all for me" attitude is leaving us feeling empty, with no meaning, no value and no purpose. That sounds so much worse than being unhappy. Why is this happening? When we focus on ourselves, why are we left with nothing? I have a few ideas about that.

 We are often so centered on ourselves that we make sure everyone around us knows they come in second place. They are less important than we are, and we care less about their needs than we do our own. We head off on an adventure to "find ourselves" or to find meaning in life. We may travel the world and see incredible works of art, architecture or natural wonders. When we get home, we have no one to share it all with. We have pushed everyone away in our search for self. We are left empty because we haven't cultivated a relationship with anyone but ourselves.
If focusing on ourselves leaves us empty, what will fill us and what will it fill us with? Sri Chinmoy wrote,

How can one get the greatest joy?
Not by possessing,
But by sacrificing.

How does giving up what we want fill us with joy? It seems backward, but it is reality. Focusing on others and sacrificing for another forces us to let go of our pride,  and our desires. Rather than turning inward, into ourselves, we focus outward, on the needs of others. Sacrifice and being other-focused helps us see from someone else's perspective. We see through their eyes and allow their vision to change us, to help us grow.

 
Think of a woman with a new baby. She spent nine months sharing her body with a tiny human; someone she had never met. During those nine months of morning sickness, fatigue, cravings, swollen ankles and waddling like a duck, she learned to love that little person she had never met. She did everything she could to protect that child. Then when it was time for the child to be born, she went through excruciating pain for a stranger. When she finally holds her baby in her arms, she experiences a feeling of pure love. Is that love just because of the cute, chubby baby she is holding? Or is that love born of sacrifice. All the difficult things she went through caused her to be filled with joy at the sight of her child. Sacrifice is the source of all the joy we will feel in life.

 Our marriages are also filled with sacrifices; some big, some small, all significant. Sacrifice and humility are the antidote to the self-centered, self-focused sin of pride. Sacrifice shows love, and is the source of joy. Humility is the acknowledgement that we are dependent on someone else; not because we have to be, but because we choose to be. In marriage, humility and forgiveness are vital to having joy. Humility and forgiveness help us to realize that life has never been about us as individuals. It teaches us that everyone is valuable and deserves love, respect and compassion. Humility allows us to see the very best in our spouse despite their flaws. Humility and sacrifice allow us to love with our whole souls and be left filled.

Small Moments, Big Rewards

There is a saying that goes, "Appreciate the little things, for one day you may look back and find out they were big things." I believe that is true in life, but it is especially true in marriage. The little things we do for, and with, our spouse are important. Every day, we are faced with choices in marriage. Do we help our partner with the dishes? Do we put away their laundry? Do we run errands together when we really want to stay home and relax? Each choice we make is an opportunity to make a small thing into something big. Each choice is a chance to turn toward our spouse and share a moment or experience. Each choice is a chance to show our love in small, but significant, ways.

Dr. John Gottman said, "Many people think the secret to reconnecting with their partner is a candlelit dinner or a by-the-sea-vacation. The real secret is to turn toward each other in the little ways every day." The small, every day interactions are where we show love. For some reason, those small things are also sometimes the hardest sacrifices to make.

 Chad and I live on a small, family farm. We raise horses, chickens, pigs and goats. This means that twice a day, every day, 365 days a year, we have animals to feed. It is a lot of work, and there are days I dread it. Chad can do the chores by himself in about 20 minutes, and often I'm not able to help because of kids, homework, or dinner. But there are days that he asks me to come help. And there are days I really don't want to. I'm grateful I know that he really doesn't need my help; rather, he wants my company. He wants to talk and connect. He wants me to know he cares and wants to spend time with me. It is one of many ways he shows me he loves me. He is so good at it, and I am so selfish by comparison. But I'm trying to do better.

 A couple of weeks ago I talked about Positive Sentiment Override. Do you remember? It is when you have more positive experiences or thoughts about your spouse than you do negative thoughts. Those excess positive thoughts are so powerful. They tip the scales when times are hard and keep the relationship afloat. Part of Positive Sentiment Override is having these small moments where we come together and connect. We make each other more important that whatever else we could, or should, be doing. These are the times we nurture our friendship and share our loads. These small, intimate moments are where our relationship is strengthened. I've tried to become more aware of theses little chances to spend time together. I've even tried to orchestrate them. To my delight, the tiny amount of effort I've expended has paid huge dividends. Now that I'm looking for chances to spend time with my husband, I find them everywhere, and I'm excited about it. It has made me love him more. I have been able to learn new things about him that we probably wouldn't talk about if we were sitting on the couch. I feel like my heart fills just a little bit more each time we turn toward each other and make time for the little, big, things.

**Week 7**

Sacrifice and Devotion in Marriage

Pardon my rambling today. I hope you can be patient while I work through my thoughts. There are so many things going through my head in regard to my studies on marriage. So many new things I've not deeply considered before, but probably should have.

First, is the principle of sacrifice in marriage. If I'm being completely honest, the only time I think of the sacrifices of marriage is when Chad and I are fighting; then those sacrifices are sometimes used as a weapon. I can't even begin to count the number of ways that's wrong. It is hurtful, unkind and destructive. Thankfully, most of the time I'm pretty good at not counting the cost. I read an interesting take on sacrifice in marriage this week. It is the idea that sacrifice isn't a sacrifice, it is a purchase or an investment.

 Wow! That is not how I usually think about sacrifice. Usually, when we make sacrifices, we feel a little like a martyr; sacrificing for the "greater good", whatever that means. Often, we feel noble or charitable, especially if making the sacrifice is truly hard. It is interesting to think of sacrifice as a form of payment for something we want. When my husband went back to school, I worked the graveyard shift at the local Wal-mart to pay for it. At the time, we had 5 small children and I averaged about 4 hours of sleep on a good day. It was huge sacrifice for me and my children. With that sacrifice, I helped purchase a new, more stable, higher paying career for my husband, which translated into job and financial security for our family. It was definitely worth the price.

But, as I think about it, I'm not sure I'm comfortable calling anything in marriage a sacrifice. It implies that we are giving up something that we need or don't want to live without. It almost feels like we are being selfishly unselfish; counting the cost of what we give up and comparing it to what we get in return. Keeping score would be another way to put it. That feels wrong. If marriage is truly two people choosing to each give 100%, then cost shouldn't matter because both partners are "all in" and devoted to making things work. I read an interesting statement by a man named Tzvetan Todorov, "To care about someone does not mean sacrificing one's time and energy for that person. It means devoting them to the person and taking joy in doing so; in the end, one feels richer for one's efforts, not poorer." If we look at the most powerful words he uses, we can learn a lot. Words like: care, time, energy, devoting, joy, richer. What beautiful, positive words.  But, how do we get there? In our marriages, how do we move from a sacrificing mindset to a more positive devotion mindset?

 One of the ways to change our mindset is to let goodness govern everything we do in our marriage. There are days when that is so hard! But, when we allow goodness and service to become themes in our lives, there isn't room for discontent or counting cost. Love is not something that can be bought or monetized, because it is evident in our feelings and actions; in the things we do to protect and care for those who are important to us. We find joy in serving. That is the essence of true devotion. We give the best of ourselves, and in return we receive the best of our spouse.

Like is says in Luke 6:38, “Give, and it will be given to you. You will have more than enough. It can be pushed down and shaken together and it will still run over as it is given to you. The way you give to others is the way you will receive in return.” (NLV) As we devote ourselves to our marriages, what we get back will be pushed down and shaken together until it is over-flowing; until we are over-flowing with humility, gratitude and devotion from, and for, our spouse. If we want the best out of our marriages, we must offer the best of ourselves; holding nothing back, but expressing our devotion in everything we do. 

That now begs the questions, " what am I holding back from my marriage?" and "why am I withholding part of myself?" I'm going to have to do some serious soul searching before I can answer those questions.

**Week 6**

Marriage and Friendship

My husband and I recently celebrated our 26th wedding anniversary. We both commented on how long that actually is, but that it felt much shorter than 26 years. We've been married longer than we were single and we have been to Hell and back together. We spent our anniversary eating at what is arguably the worst restaurant I've ever been to. We laughed at how bad the food was and kept joking about what a terrible anniversary date it was. Honestly, it was fantastic! Neither one of us was really disappointed because the anniversary date wasn't about the food, it was about being together and celebrating our love and friendship.

When most people think of marriage, it is all hearts, excitement, kisses, intense feelings and attraction. At first, that's true. But as years go by, those intense feelings fade into the reality of life. And the reality is that married life is hard. Love and kisses don't get you through the trials of life. But friendship and commitment do.

Think about your best friend. You can tell them anything, you'll do anything for them, you fiercely protect them and you like to spend time with them. Even when you're furious at your best friend you wouldn't let that relationship go. That is exactly the kind of relationship a husband and wife should have. I've been reading a book by Dr. John M. Gottman called Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. The entire theme of the book is that fulfilling marriages, marriages that last, are based on deep friendship. Dr. Gottmann defines this friendship as "a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other's company."

He also introduces a term that is new to me, even if the idea isn't; positive sentiment override. Basically, this means that a couple has more positive thoughts about each other than negative thoughts. The excess of positive thoughts makes them feel hopeful and optimistic about their life together. It allows them to be more charitable and give each other the benefit of the doubt. I believe that positive sentiment override is a choice a couple makes, whether they realize it or not.

When Chad and I got married, one of the things I decided was that I would never speak negatively about him to anyone but him. If I had a complaint, I would take it directly to him instead of running it by my friends first; and he does the same with me. It has been a game changer in our marriage. Not to long ago, I had a friend comment that in the 25 years we had known each other, she had never heard me say a bad thing about my husband. That was a huge win for me because over the course of 26 years, there has been plenty of opportunity to be negative. I'm grateful I have chosen positivity, and I'll continue to do so.

The other thing that I believe affects a marriage is the commitment to each other. Contrary to what most people think, commitment is a choice you make every single day. Commitment means loving your spouse even when you don't like them very much. It is choosing to walk through Hell holding their hand and watching their back. Commitment is going through raising teenagers, having serious health problems, suffering death of loved ones, and being united through it all. And it is a choice. President Thomas S. Monson said, "Choose your love and love your choice." When we distance ourselves emotionally or are not supportive, we are choosing selfishness over commitment. Humble gratitude for our spouse and all their strengths, and weaknesses, is at the heart of commitment. Even through hard times, there is much to be grateful for, and choosing to find it can change our attitudes and allow us to choose to stay.

My marriage is far from perfect. My husband is the most stubborn, infuriating person I have ever known; and I adore him. I can't imagine a day without him and I look forward to each new day together. I really believe it is a consequence of our choices to always look for the best in each other, even when it's hard. I believe choosing to be positive through good and bad times has allowed us to build on a firm foundation and create a marriage that has weathered the storms of life, and that can withstand the hurricanes that will surely come in the future. And for that, I am eternally grateful.

**Week 5**

Covenant Marriage

"The temple reminds us that God means for families to be eternal. " That may be one of the most beautiful phrases I've ever read. But in today's world, it also sounds like a fairy tale. "Once upon a time...our family was forever." With the depressingly high divorce rate, one can only wonder if anyone is going to make it to their happily ever after.

The doctrine of eternal families taught by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is different than what is taught by any other religious group. This unique doctrine requires us to take a unique perspective on what makes marriage work.

First, marriage isn't a contract, it is a covenant. What is the difference, you might ask? A contract marriage is between husband and wife. A covenant marriage is between husband, wife, and God. A covenant marriage is a solemn promise between the couple and deity, with promised blessings for keeping promises and staying faithful. Bruce C Hafen has said, "When troubles come to a covenant marriage, the husband and wife work them through. They marry to give and to grow, bound by covenants to each other, to the community, and to God. Contract companions each give 50 percent; covenant companions each give 100 percent." When the focus is on building an eternal marriage, our perspective on problems change. They become something to overcome together, not something to tear a couple apart.

Second, eternal marriages and families are an essential part of God's plan for us on earth. Men and women compliment and complete each other and their different strengths are an important part of their marriage. These differences actually allow men and women to work together to build eternal families. Both men and women are needed to bring children into the world. A home with a mother and father is best for children, communities and society as a whole. The stability a covenant marriage provides is comforting and uplifting.

Finally, in a covenant marriage, husband and wife are drawn to the Lord as they keep the promises made in holy temples. According to David A Bednar, "The couple learns to serve and cherish one another, as they share life experiences and grow together and become one, and as they are blessed through the uniting of their distinctive natures, they begin to realize the fulfillment that our Heavenly Father desires for His children." The greatest joy we will find in life will be found within families. That is God's plan; to find joy and fulfillment in keeping promises and learning and growing.
Marriage today is difficult at best. But by following God's pattern and plan for families, we give ourselves the best chance for happiness.

**Week 4**

In Defense of Traditional Marriage

I've been doing some very interesting study on marriage and the marriage debate in America. I recently read both the majority and dissenting opinion in the Supreme Court case legalizing same sex marriage. The arguments on both sides are compelling and make sense if we really try and see both points of view. The differences are matters of belief and principle. I've come to the conclusion that for me, just because I choose one side, doesn't mean I have to hate or vilify the opposition. But just as one side can proclaim their beliefs at the top of their lungs, doesn't mean that I can't do the same with love, civility and respect. So today, that is what I hope to begin to do.

For the record, and so there is no mistaking where I stand, I believe marriage is between a man and a woman. Period. That union allows for the formation of families through procreation and gives children the best chance at happy successful lives. That said, I also believe everyone has the right to choose who and how they love. I believe that choice is a fundamental part of God’s plan and we should respect that. But respecting other’s choices doesn’t mean allowing my beliefs to be steamrolled by the vocal majority. It is my right and duty to add my voice in defense of traditional marriage.

One of the things I found most interesting about the majority opinion of the Supreme Court was their lack of focus on families. Nearly the entire majority opinion focused on the desires of consenting adults, whether it be property or hospital rights or the right to love who they love. None of which I fundamentally disagree with. The court spoke only briefly about the need for same sex families to feel that their families are equal to traditional families, but nothing about the contributions and unique strengths each gender brings to a family or the fact that, throughout history, the primary focus of family has been unity through procreation and rearing children in loving, stable homes. In his dissenting opinion, Judge Roberts said, “[Marriage] arose in the nature of things to meet a vital need: ensuring that children are conceived by a mother and father committed to raising them in the stable conditions of a lifelong relationship.” I felt the court deliberately tip toed around that aspect of the debate. There is no argument against the fact that creating families has traditionally been the reason for marriage.

 One of my biggest issues with the ruling, and the dissenting opinions agreed, is that the federal government took away the state’s rights, and the people’s rights, to define marriage through the democratic process. Americans were having the debate they needed to have to work through the issue. Apparently, the Supreme Court felt the need to speed up the process by deciding for us; like we weren’t intelligent enough to work through it ourselves. Judge Roberts argues, “[The court] seizes for itself a question the Constitution leaves to the people, at a time when the people are engaged in a vibrant debate on that question. And it answers that question based not on neutral principles of constitutional law, but on its own “understanding of what freedom is and must become.” In essence, the court took it upon itself to change the culture of our country by redefining marriage; something the people should have had the opportunity to do themselves. In taking that away, the court also took away the ability of the American people to come to terms with the outcome of the debate organically. Instead, we are trying to wrap our minds around the ruling.

 So, what does this case mean for those of us who value traditional marriage? Do we rollover and accept what has happened? Of course not! While we can’t change the court’s ruling, we can kindly and civilly declare our support of traditional marriage. We can talk about its importance in society and in the social issues in this country. We can stress the unique contributions of each gender in rearing children. We can be examples of loving, unified families who take seriously the responsibility to care for families. We should never stop kindly sharing our views, just as the opposing side will never stop sharing theirs. This debate should continue so we, as a people, can get to a point where we can respect both sides of the issue, and disagree without vilifying or degrading those who believe differently than we do

**Week 3**