Marriage and Friendship

My husband and I recently celebrated our 26th wedding anniversary. We both commented on how long that actually is, but that it felt much shorter than 26 years. We've been married longer than we were single and we have been to Hell and back together. We spent our anniversary eating at what is arguably the worst restaurant I've ever been to. We laughed at how bad the food was and kept joking about what a terrible anniversary date it was. Honestly, it was fantastic! Neither one of us was really disappointed because the anniversary date wasn't about the food, it was about being together and celebrating our love and friendship.

When most people think of marriage, it is all hearts, excitement, kisses, intense feelings and attraction. At first, that's true. But as years go by, those intense feelings fade into the reality of life. And the reality is that married life is hard. Love and kisses don't get you through the trials of life. But friendship and commitment do.

Think about your best friend. You can tell them anything, you'll do anything for them, you fiercely protect them and you like to spend time with them. Even when you're furious at your best friend you wouldn't let that relationship go. That is exactly the kind of relationship a husband and wife should have. I've been reading a book by Dr. John M. Gottman called Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. The entire theme of the book is that fulfilling marriages, marriages that last, are based on deep friendship. Dr. Gottmann defines this friendship as "a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other's company."

He also introduces a term that is new to me, even if the idea isn't; positive sentiment override. Basically, this means that a couple has more positive thoughts about each other than negative thoughts. The excess of positive thoughts makes them feel hopeful and optimistic about their life together. It allows them to be more charitable and give each other the benefit of the doubt. I believe that positive sentiment override is a choice a couple makes, whether they realize it or not.

When Chad and I got married, one of the things I decided was that I would never speak negatively about him to anyone but him. If I had a complaint, I would take it directly to him instead of running it by my friends first; and he does the same with me. It has been a game changer in our marriage. Not to long ago, I had a friend comment that in the 25 years we had known each other, she had never heard me say a bad thing about my husband. That was a huge win for me because over the course of 26 years, there has been plenty of opportunity to be negative. I'm grateful I have chosen positivity, and I'll continue to do so.

The other thing that I believe affects a marriage is the commitment to each other. Contrary to what most people think, commitment is a choice you make every single day. Commitment means loving your spouse even when you don't like them very much. It is choosing to walk through Hell holding their hand and watching their back. Commitment is going through raising teenagers, having serious health problems, suffering death of loved ones, and being united through it all. And it is a choice. President Thomas S. Monson said, "Choose your love and love your choice." When we distance ourselves emotionally or are not supportive, we are choosing selfishness over commitment. Humble gratitude for our spouse and all their strengths, and weaknesses, is at the heart of commitment. Even through hard times, there is much to be grateful for, and choosing to find it can change our attitudes and allow us to choose to stay.

My marriage is far from perfect. My husband is the most stubborn, infuriating person I have ever known; and I adore him. I can't imagine a day without him and I look forward to each new day together. I really believe it is a consequence of our choices to always look for the best in each other, even when it's hard. I believe choosing to be positive through good and bad times has allowed us to build on a firm foundation and create a marriage that has weathered the storms of life, and that can withstand the hurricanes that will surely come in the future. And for that, I am eternally grateful.

**Week 5**