Sacrifice and Devotion in Marriage

Pardon my rambling today. I hope you can be patient while I work through my thoughts. There are so many things going through my head in regard to my studies on marriage. So many new things I've not deeply considered before, but probably should have.

First, is the principle of sacrifice in marriage. If I'm being completely honest, the only time I think of the sacrifices of marriage is when Chad and I are fighting; then those sacrifices are sometimes used as a weapon. I can't even begin to count the number of ways that's wrong. It is hurtful, unkind and destructive. Thankfully, most of the time I'm pretty good at not counting the cost. I read an interesting take on sacrifice in marriage this week. It is the idea that sacrifice isn't a sacrifice, it is a purchase or an investment.

 Wow! That is not how I usually think about sacrifice. Usually, when we make sacrifices, we feel a little like a martyr; sacrificing for the "greater good", whatever that means. Often, we feel noble or charitable, especially if making the sacrifice is truly hard. It is interesting to think of sacrifice as a form of payment for something we want. When my husband went back to school, I worked the graveyard shift at the local Wal-mart to pay for it. At the time, we had 5 small children and I averaged about 4 hours of sleep on a good day. It was huge sacrifice for me and my children. With that sacrifice, I helped purchase a new, more stable, higher paying career for my husband, which translated into job and financial security for our family. It was definitely worth the price.

But, as I think about it, I'm not sure I'm comfortable calling anything in marriage a sacrifice. It implies that we are giving up something that we need or don't want to live without. It almost feels like we are being selfishly unselfish; counting the cost of what we give up and comparing it to what we get in return. Keeping score would be another way to put it. That feels wrong. If marriage is truly two people choosing to each give 100%, then cost shouldn't matter because both partners are "all in" and devoted to making things work. I read an interesting statement by a man named Tzvetan Todorov, "To care about someone does not mean sacrificing one's time and energy for that person. It means devoting them to the person and taking joy in doing so; in the end, one feels richer for one's efforts, not poorer." If we look at the most powerful words he uses, we can learn a lot. Words like: care, time, energy, devoting, joy, richer. What beautiful, positive words.  But, how do we get there? In our marriages, how do we move from a sacrificing mindset to a more positive devotion mindset?

 One of the ways to change our mindset is to let goodness govern everything we do in our marriage. There are days when that is so hard! But, when we allow goodness and service to become themes in our lives, there isn't room for discontent or counting cost. Love is not something that can be bought or monetized, because it is evident in our feelings and actions; in the things we do to protect and care for those who are important to us. We find joy in serving. That is the essence of true devotion. We give the best of ourselves, and in return we receive the best of our spouse.

Like is says in Luke 6:38, “Give, and it will be given to you. You will have more than enough. It can be pushed down and shaken together and it will still run over as it is given to you. The way you give to others is the way you will receive in return.” (NLV) As we devote ourselves to our marriages, what we get back will be pushed down and shaken together until it is over-flowing; until we are over-flowing with humility, gratitude and devotion from, and for, our spouse. If we want the best out of our marriages, we must offer the best of ourselves; holding nothing back, but expressing our devotion in everything we do. 

That now begs the questions, " what am I holding back from my marriage?" and "why am I withholding part of myself?" I'm going to have to do some serious soul searching before I can answer those questions.

**Week 6**