Marriage and Friendship

My husband and I recently celebrated our 26th wedding anniversary. We both commented on how long that actually is, but that it felt much shorter than 26 years. We've been married longer than we were single and we have been to Hell and back together. We spent our anniversary eating at what is arguably the worst restaurant I've ever been to. We laughed at how bad the food was and kept joking about what a terrible anniversary date it was. Honestly, it was fantastic! Neither one of us was really disappointed because the anniversary date wasn't about the food, it was about being together and celebrating our love and friendship.

When most people think of marriage, it is all hearts, excitement, kisses, intense feelings and attraction. At first, that's true. But as years go by, those intense feelings fade into the reality of life. And the reality is that married life is hard. Love and kisses don't get you through the trials of life. But friendship and commitment do.

Think about your best friend. You can tell them anything, you'll do anything for them, you fiercely protect them and you like to spend time with them. Even when you're furious at your best friend you wouldn't let that relationship go. That is exactly the kind of relationship a husband and wife should have. I've been reading a book by Dr. John M. Gottman called Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. The entire theme of the book is that fulfilling marriages, marriages that last, are based on deep friendship. Dr. Gottmann defines this friendship as "a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other's company."

He also introduces a term that is new to me, even if the idea isn't; positive sentiment override. Basically, this means that a couple has more positive thoughts about each other than negative thoughts. The excess of positive thoughts makes them feel hopeful and optimistic about their life together. It allows them to be more charitable and give each other the benefit of the doubt. I believe that positive sentiment override is a choice a couple makes, whether they realize it or not.

When Chad and I got married, one of the things I decided was that I would never speak negatively about him to anyone but him. If I had a complaint, I would take it directly to him instead of running it by my friends first; and he does the same with me. It has been a game changer in our marriage. Not to long ago, I had a friend comment that in the 25 years we had known each other, she had never heard me say a bad thing about my husband. That was a huge win for me because over the course of 26 years, there has been plenty of opportunity to be negative. I'm grateful I have chosen positivity, and I'll continue to do so.

The other thing that I believe affects a marriage is the commitment to each other. Contrary to what most people think, commitment is a choice you make every single day. Commitment means loving your spouse even when you don't like them very much. It is choosing to walk through Hell holding their hand and watching their back. Commitment is going through raising teenagers, having serious health problems, suffering death of loved ones, and being united through it all. And it is a choice. President Thomas S. Monson said, "Choose your love and love your choice." When we distance ourselves emotionally or are not supportive, we are choosing selfishness over commitment. Humble gratitude for our spouse and all their strengths, and weaknesses, is at the heart of commitment. Even through hard times, there is much to be grateful for, and choosing to find it can change our attitudes and allow us to choose to stay.

My marriage is far from perfect. My husband is the most stubborn, infuriating person I have ever known; and I adore him. I can't imagine a day without him and I look forward to each new day together. I really believe it is a consequence of our choices to always look for the best in each other, even when it's hard. I believe choosing to be positive through good and bad times has allowed us to build on a firm foundation and create a marriage that has weathered the storms of life, and that can withstand the hurricanes that will surely come in the future. And for that, I am eternally grateful.

**Week 5**

Covenant Marriage

"The temple reminds us that God means for families to be eternal. " That may be one of the most beautiful phrases I've ever read. But in today's world, it also sounds like a fairy tale. "Once upon a time...our family was forever." With the depressingly high divorce rate, one can only wonder if anyone is going to make it to their happily ever after.

The doctrine of eternal families taught by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is different than what is taught by any other religious group. This unique doctrine requires us to take a unique perspective on what makes marriage work.

First, marriage isn't a contract, it is a covenant. What is the difference, you might ask? A contract marriage is between husband and wife. A covenant marriage is between husband, wife, and God. A covenant marriage is a solemn promise between the couple and deity, with promised blessings for keeping promises and staying faithful. Bruce C Hafen has said, "When troubles come to a covenant marriage, the husband and wife work them through. They marry to give and to grow, bound by covenants to each other, to the community, and to God. Contract companions each give 50 percent; covenant companions each give 100 percent." When the focus is on building an eternal marriage, our perspective on problems change. They become something to overcome together, not something to tear a couple apart.

Second, eternal marriages and families are an essential part of God's plan for us on earth. Men and women compliment and complete each other and their different strengths are an important part of their marriage. These differences actually allow men and women to work together to build eternal families. Both men and women are needed to bring children into the world. A home with a mother and father is best for children, communities and society as a whole. The stability a covenant marriage provides is comforting and uplifting.

Finally, in a covenant marriage, husband and wife are drawn to the Lord as they keep the promises made in holy temples. According to David A Bednar, "The couple learns to serve and cherish one another, as they share life experiences and grow together and become one, and as they are blessed through the uniting of their distinctive natures, they begin to realize the fulfillment that our Heavenly Father desires for His children." The greatest joy we will find in life will be found within families. That is God's plan; to find joy and fulfillment in keeping promises and learning and growing.
Marriage today is difficult at best. But by following God's pattern and plan for families, we give ourselves the best chance for happiness.

**Week 4**

In Defense of Traditional Marriage

I've been doing some very interesting study on marriage and the marriage debate in America. I recently read both the majority and dissenting opinion in the Supreme Court case legalizing same sex marriage. The arguments on both sides are compelling and make sense if we really try and see both points of view. The differences are matters of belief and principle. I've come to the conclusion that for me, just because I choose one side, doesn't mean I have to hate or vilify the opposition. But just as one side can proclaim their beliefs at the top of their lungs, doesn't mean that I can't do the same with love, civility and respect. So today, that is what I hope to begin to do.

For the record, and so there is no mistaking where I stand, I believe marriage is between a man and a woman. Period. That union allows for the formation of families through procreation and gives children the best chance at happy successful lives. That said, I also believe everyone has the right to choose who and how they love. I believe that choice is a fundamental part of God’s plan and we should respect that. But respecting other’s choices doesn’t mean allowing my beliefs to be steamrolled by the vocal majority. It is my right and duty to add my voice in defense of traditional marriage.

One of the things I found most interesting about the majority opinion of the Supreme Court was their lack of focus on families. Nearly the entire majority opinion focused on the desires of consenting adults, whether it be property or hospital rights or the right to love who they love. None of which I fundamentally disagree with. The court spoke only briefly about the need for same sex families to feel that their families are equal to traditional families, but nothing about the contributions and unique strengths each gender brings to a family or the fact that, throughout history, the primary focus of family has been unity through procreation and rearing children in loving, stable homes. In his dissenting opinion, Judge Roberts said, “[Marriage] arose in the nature of things to meet a vital need: ensuring that children are conceived by a mother and father committed to raising them in the stable conditions of a lifelong relationship.” I felt the court deliberately tip toed around that aspect of the debate. There is no argument against the fact that creating families has traditionally been the reason for marriage.

 One of my biggest issues with the ruling, and the dissenting opinions agreed, is that the federal government took away the state’s rights, and the people’s rights, to define marriage through the democratic process. Americans were having the debate they needed to have to work through the issue. Apparently, the Supreme Court felt the need to speed up the process by deciding for us; like we weren’t intelligent enough to work through it ourselves. Judge Roberts argues, “[The court] seizes for itself a question the Constitution leaves to the people, at a time when the people are engaged in a vibrant debate on that question. And it answers that question based not on neutral principles of constitutional law, but on its own “understanding of what freedom is and must become.” In essence, the court took it upon itself to change the culture of our country by redefining marriage; something the people should have had the opportunity to do themselves. In taking that away, the court also took away the ability of the American people to come to terms with the outcome of the debate organically. Instead, we are trying to wrap our minds around the ruling.

 So, what does this case mean for those of us who value traditional marriage? Do we rollover and accept what has happened? Of course not! While we can’t change the court’s ruling, we can kindly and civilly declare our support of traditional marriage. We can talk about its importance in society and in the social issues in this country. We can stress the unique contributions of each gender in rearing children. We can be examples of loving, unified families who take seriously the responsibility to care for families. We should never stop kindly sharing our views, just as the opposing side will never stop sharing theirs. This debate should continue so we, as a people, can get to a point where we can respect both sides of the issue, and disagree without vilifying or degrading those who believe differently than we do

**Week 3**

Marrige Today

The more I learn about marriage, the more grateful I am for mine. I'm in my second week of an online marriage class at Brigham Young University-Idaho, and I'm already shocked at what I've learned. I mean, I knew that the definition of marriage was changing, and that alternative lifestyles were becoming more mainstream, but I didn't realize the extent of the mass exodus the institution as a whole was experiencing. And it isn't just the divorce rate that is alarming. The most disturbing trend is the number of Americans who eschew making marriage commitments all together. "Middle America", the majority of Americans who are high school educated, but not college educated, are more likely to live together, but never get married. Many might ask "What's the big deal?" or " Why does that matter?". This decision doesn't just affect the couple and children who live in the same home. It affects society as a whole; the very stability of our homes, communities and nations. Marriage matters. It matters greatly.

Marriage isn't just an agreement. We don't sign a document, repeat some words and move on with our lives. Marriages and families are a place that enable children to thrive, they strengthen our communities, help family members to succeed during good times and to weather the bad times. Families and marriages are our first line of defense against the storms of life. It is where we should find love, support, strength and joy. The commitment should be more than names signed on a piece of paper. It should be promises etched in our hearts.

When we choose not to make a commitment to our significant other, and live together or co-habitate (that is such a unattractive way to describe it), the entire relationship lacks anything official or binding. There isn't any of the "sticky stuff" to hold everyone together. Many would disagree, and argue that the piece of paper shouldn't mean anything, but it does. Making the commitment changes our mindset. It lifts our relationship from disposable to valuable. It makes it more painful, and difficult to walk away, and we become more invested and likely to fight for what we have.

Think about it, even the cell phone company makes you sign papers if you want phone service. If the contract isn't important, then why sign? Because the contract we sign is binding. It means we'll pay the bill and be responsible. We buy a case to protect it if we drop it. Add a screen protector to prevent scratches. We keep our phone in our pocket, purse, or brief case so we don't lose it. We charge our phone daily so it is always ready to go, then take it with us everywhere. The contract means we will take care of the phone, repair it if we crack the screen and return it in good condition at the end of the contract. Shouldn't marriage be, at least, similar?

Do we protect marriage the way we protect our phones? Do we value it, and care for it to make sure it lasts? Do we share our views on the importance and sanctity of the institution as a whole? We can't change the world, but we can be an example to those around us. We can let others see the happiness marriage brings; the unity and love that should be inherent in such a union. I'm grateful I married a man who is willing to fight with me to make our relationship strong. We both believe that our children are blessed by the love and unity we share. Our marriage and family isn't always perfect, but I wouldn't change a thing!


**Week 2**