Being the Mother-In-Law

In-law relationships are a touchy subject. Jokes abound that make mothers-in-law look like the devil's little sister. I'm in the mother-in-law stage of life, and it is really hard. I now work hard to avoid being the meddling mother-in-law and to have healthy boundaries with my married children. But I can see how the transition that happens after a child is married can be difficult for parents.

I raised my children to be very independent. They always worked hard at home and learned to do things for themselves. But when they got married, I wanted to help them avoid some of the pitfalls my husband and I had fallen into. I had good intentions, but those good intentions were definitely misguided. I was a pro at giving unsolicited advice and I was over zealous about trying to help. What I didn't realize at the time, was that by trying to help fix everything for my married kids, I was also handicapping them by not allowing them to go through difficult experiences together. It took my husband to remind me that we had to go through our first years of marriage figuring everything out on our own. We didn't have anyone to ask for advice. The result was a strong marriage where we relied solely on each other, and developed mutual respect and deep friendship. My husband is a very wise man!

Since then, I've gotten really good at keeping my nose out of places it doesn't belong. The payoff is when my daughter calls to tell me about an issue that they have finally figured out how to deal with. She will tell me about their compromise and how they reached their agreement, and I will congratulate them both on their patience and maturity. I get to watch their relationship get stronger, and it is beautiful.

A less difficult aspect of parenting married children revolves around the holidays. From my own experiences, I've learned to give them some freedom and slack about holidays. For most of my marriage, my family insisted we spend holidays and special occasions with them. It wasn't until my kids started asking if we could stay home on Christmas Day that we made a change. My extended family wasn't happy, but my kids were thrilled. We've since been able to establish our own traditions and rituals.


With my married children we've been able to establish a good balance that makes everyone happy. We've started having a family Christmas party the week before the holiday so each couple can enjoy the holiday privately at home. For the remainder of the holidays, the couples switch between families, or spent it together. The arrangement helps my married kids feel like thy have the ability to bow out of family activities and build their own traditions.

I'm grateful that I didn't struggle with this aspect of having married children. The pressure I felt to spend every occasion with family was tremendous, and I don't want to pass on that particular tradition to my kids. It has also helped avoid the tug-of-war that many families feel. We aren't fighting over who has the couple over on what holiday. Usually the couple will tell us a few weeks in advance what their holiday plans are. It has given them healthy boundaries and the freedom to find their identity as a couple.

A couple's identity is very important. It allows them to grow and learn together and decide who they want to be as a couple. This requires them to separate from their parents and learn to rely on, and confide in each other. Spencer W. Kimball, former president of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, has said, "Couples do well to immediately find their own home, separate and apart from that of the in-laws on either side. . . Your married life should become independent of his folks and her folks. . . Live your own lives, being governed by your own decisions. . ."

Navigating the in-law waters can be difficult for both the married couple, and their parents. Healthy boundaries and good communication will make the transition easier and allow the new married couple the opportunity to grow together and become unified as husband and wife. As parents, and in-laws, that is one of the greatest gifts we can give them.

Power in Marriage

Power in relationships can be a very touchy subject. Each couple has to find their own balance. However, both partners should be involved in the process. Marriage should be a partnership where each person has equal say in decisions. I like to think of it as an executive committee. Each member has equal input into what happens in the relationship. No one is higher or better than the other. Sharing power shows both partners that they are loved, respected and that their ideas and opinions are important.

Power inequalities can cause major problems in a marriage. I know one couple that has, and continues to have, major issues. My friend, lets call her Ellen,  has lived under her husband's thumb for decades. Ellen's husband, lets call him Dave, is very authoritarian and sees his word as law. He makes sure everyone knows that he is the most important person in the relationship. In over 20 years of marriage, Ellen has only had access to a car on days that family members have appointments, and even then, the mileage is carefully recorded. She has never been allowed the freedom to do the things she wants. Dave gives her very little money to buy groceries and other necessities, while he eats out at restaurants at least two meals a day. This has taken its toll on their relationship, and left Ellen feeling depressed, lonely and with no self-esteem.

Ideally, Dave would value Ellen, and her role as wife and mother. Her contribution, and her role as a wife and mother are equally important to his role as provider and leader in the family. Unfortunately, his sense of self-importance and pride get in the way. He isn't willing to give up anything for his family.

Do you remember a few weeks back when we talked about sacrifice? I mentioned a quote from Goddard's book, "Drawing Heaven into your Marriage". It said, "We are devoted to finding happiness-and we are seeking happiness in ways theat guarantee emptiness." Happiness in marriage comes as partners work together as equals to build something lasting and beautiful. We are left empty if we are only trying to glorify ourselves or exert our power and influence to keep our partner down. When that happens, the couple is missing out on the very best part of marriage!

As a priesthood holder, the husband has the responsibility to provide for his family, protect them and lead them. That leadership should be uplifting and guide family members toward love and unity. President Spencer W. Kimball spoke of the leadership qualities that Christ possessed. He led by example, never expecting anyone to do anything that He wasn't already doing. He loved, mentored and guided his disciples toward God. He showed love through service and example, just as each partner in a marriage should.

Through service to each other, a couple's love and admiration is deepened and their relationship is strengthened. Service also helps balance out power in a relationship. We can't feel superior to someone we serve. We can only feel gratitude and love for them.

Sexual Intimacy in Marriage

I had a very interesting experience while teaching a group of young women in church. The topic of the lesson was the law of chastity. I was very open about God's expectations on the subject, as well as the purpose of sexual intimacy and why we should wait until marriage.  One of the things that surprised me most was the look on their faces when I told them that sex in marriage is an expression of true love, that the sexual relationship between a husband and wife is ordained by God, and that it was a beautiful expression of love and unity in marriage. I think their jaws all hit the floor. They told me that it was the first time they had not been told that sex was bad and something to be avoided. It was my turn to wear a shocked expression.

In that moment, all I could think was that we have failed these youth. Their whole lives, they have been told that God's creative powers were bad. I did my best to set things straight and help them to understand the truth about sex.

 The reality is, that sexual intimacy is a beautiful gift from God to man. The physical desires we feel are natural and God given; they aren't just a biological urge or lust. We are to, very literally, become one with our spouse through those feelings and desires. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland said,

"In this ultimate physical expression of one man and one woman, they are as nearly and as literally one as two separate physical bodies can ever be. It is in that act of ultimate physical intimacy that we most nearly fulfill the commandment of the Lord given to Adam and Eve, living symbols for all married couples, when He invited them to cleave unto one another only, and thus become one flesh."

Sexual intimacy brings a husband and wife closer together in the ultimate expression of love. They are giving themselves, body and soul, to each other. I can think of nothing more powerful, beautiful, or meaningful than that.

Inside each of us, universally given to every man and woman on earth, is the spark of creation.  We carry within us the very creative powers of God; the power to create unity, love, service and life, as we share this give with our spouse. Intimacy is a reminder of the  commitment we have made to unity, fidelity and love.

Without fidelity in marriage, sexual intimacy loses its beauty and meaning. When we get married, we are making an explicit promise of faithfulness. We are committing to share that holy expression of love with no one but our spouse. Unfortunately, in today's world, there are an almost unlimited number of ways to be unfaithful. When we talk of fidelity, we usually think of refraining from sexual contact with anyone but our spouse. But the less discussed, but more prevalent, forms of fidelity are equally damaging.

Pornography is a major factor in infidelity and divorce. It is addictive and gives users false ideas about the nature of intimacy and relationships. It is a counterfeit to the beautiful expression of love that is what a marriage relationship should be. Even though there is no physical contact, desires are directed somewhere other than toward a spouse. The results are broken trust, broken hearts and broken relationships. President Gordon B Hinckley said, "Pornography has the effect of damaging hearts and souls to their very depths, strangling the life out of relationships." We must avoid anything that might damage our relationships with our spouse.

God has given each of us His procreative powers, and the power to become one as a married couple. It has been given to us in an unlimited way, and "the only control placed on us is self-control. Surely God's trust in us to respect this gift is an awesomely staggering one (Elder Holland)." We must always remember that sexual intimacy is a holy impulse with a holy purpose, and to treat that relationship as the powerful symbol of love and commitment that it is meant to be.