Power in Marriage

Power in relationships can be a very touchy subject. Each couple has to find their own balance. However, both partners should be involved in the process. Marriage should be a partnership where each person has equal say in decisions. I like to think of it as an executive committee. Each member has equal input into what happens in the relationship. No one is higher or better than the other. Sharing power shows both partners that they are loved, respected and that their ideas and opinions are important.

Power inequalities can cause major problems in a marriage. I know one couple that has, and continues to have, major issues. My friend, lets call her Ellen,  has lived under her husband's thumb for decades. Ellen's husband, lets call him Dave, is very authoritarian and sees his word as law. He makes sure everyone knows that he is the most important person in the relationship. In over 20 years of marriage, Ellen has only had access to a car on days that family members have appointments, and even then, the mileage is carefully recorded. She has never been allowed the freedom to do the things she wants. Dave gives her very little money to buy groceries and other necessities, while he eats out at restaurants at least two meals a day. This has taken its toll on their relationship, and left Ellen feeling depressed, lonely and with no self-esteem.

Ideally, Dave would value Ellen, and her role as wife and mother. Her contribution, and her role as a wife and mother are equally important to his role as provider and leader in the family. Unfortunately, his sense of self-importance and pride get in the way. He isn't willing to give up anything for his family.

Do you remember a few weeks back when we talked about sacrifice? I mentioned a quote from Goddard's book, "Drawing Heaven into your Marriage". It said, "We are devoted to finding happiness-and we are seeking happiness in ways theat guarantee emptiness." Happiness in marriage comes as partners work together as equals to build something lasting and beautiful. We are left empty if we are only trying to glorify ourselves or exert our power and influence to keep our partner down. When that happens, the couple is missing out on the very best part of marriage!

As a priesthood holder, the husband has the responsibility to provide for his family, protect them and lead them. That leadership should be uplifting and guide family members toward love and unity. President Spencer W. Kimball spoke of the leadership qualities that Christ possessed. He led by example, never expecting anyone to do anything that He wasn't already doing. He loved, mentored and guided his disciples toward God. He showed love through service and example, just as each partner in a marriage should.

Through service to each other, a couple's love and admiration is deepened and their relationship is strengthened. Service also helps balance out power in a relationship. We can't feel superior to someone we serve. We can only feel gratitude and love for them.