Anger in Marriage

Anger. Ever felt it? I think it might be one of the most damaging things in a marriage, over the long term, if it isn't resolved or dealt with. So many times, in my own marriage, I have felt completely justified in being unreasonably angry with my husband. So many times, I just knew I was right, and that's all I cared about.

The worst part about being angry, is that I tell myself that I can't help being mad. Someone else "made me lose my temper". This is a lie. No one held a gun to my head and told me I had to be mad. I was never threatened with harm if I didn't lose control. The only person that has any responsibility for my reactions is me. It isn't an accident, or something that just happens. It is a choice I make, and it is usually a bad one.

When I was a kid, I had a shirt that said, "The Devil Made Me Do It" along with a picture of a pitch fork and devil horns. It was my favorite shirt for a long time. I even used it as a excuse when I got into trouble. My mom would say, "Toni, doing the right thing is always a choice. The Devil doesn't make us do anything." I think I can apply Mom's wisdom to anger in my marriage.

When something upsets us or floods us with emotion, it can be so difficult to choose our reaction. It is natural to get angry and lash out. Viktor E. Frankl, author and holocaust survivor, said,
"Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom."

Frankl is implying that we react without thinking. We don't choose our behavior, and our reactions are just a reflex; something we can't help but do. But he wants us to take a moment when we are angry to find the "space"; the small moment in time where we feel the hurt or anger, but are still rational enough to make decisions. It is a small space that requires that we be attuned to our emotions, habits and opportunities. It is in that space that we have the chance to be different, to grow and free ourselves from excuses. We get to choose to respond reasonably, kindly, and civilly. That space happens right before "the Devil makes us do it". It is when we get to choose to be at our best, or our worst.

It is so easy to get angry with our loved ones. It makes no sense that the people we love the most are the one's we treat the worst. It has been suggested that when we find ourselves in that "space", we should react to our spouse or family member the way we would react to a stranger. When a stranger bumps into us, we say "excuse me", not "watch it!". We allow strangers to make mistakes, but we can't seem to show that same generosity to the ones we love the most. But it doesn't have to be that way.

Our spouse deserves our greatest generosity; our whole soul and our best efforts. I know that I often react harshly and without thinking about the affect of my words, but strangely, I often recognize the "space" and still choose anger. Today, I resolve to do better, and be better; to love more thoroughly, forgive more freely, and take the opportunity to grow closer to my spouse instead of pushing him away with my angry reactions.