The Power of Hopes and Dreams in Marriage

The dreams and goals we have for our lives are very powerful. Until this week, I had never realized  just how deeply those dreams affect our lives and our relationships with our spouse. Before we can talk about the effects of our dreams, we need to understand the concept of gridlock. According to Dr. Gottman, gridlock is when you, and your spouse,  can't find a way to accommodate an ongoing argument or issue. Basically, you have the same argument over and over, it is becoming polarizing, and compromise is impossible without feeling like you are giving up something important to your core values and beliefs.

I want you to imagine a huge traffic jam on a busy freeway. Traffic is backed up for miles, with no end in sight. It's hot, you're hungry, you're running late. You can't move forward or backward because something has happened ahead of you. All you can do is sit and hope it gets cleared up quickly. We call this gridlock, and it is the perfect word to describe the inability to get past a problem in marriage, as well as on the road.

In marriage, if an issue is causing gridlock, it isn't going away. This can't be cleared up or solved by discussing it; it is an issue that is hurtful, deeply rooted, and overwhelming. This is where our dreams and goals come in. If we are experiencing gridlock in our marriage, it is a sign that you have dreams for your life that the other person isn't aware of, hasn't acknowledged, or doesn't respect. These dreams are your hopes, aspirations and wishes that are part of your identity. They help make you what you are and give meaning to your life. If each partner's dreams aren't made important in the relationship, gridlock occurs.

In my marriage, my husband and I fight all summer long about vacations and plans. I love to go new places and see new things, and he likes to stay close to home. It is a huge source of contention for us.
For me, travel and adventure are very important. I was a stay at home mom for over 20 years. I gave up everything I wanted to do, or become, in order to raise my children; and I'd do it all over again in a heartbeat. It was very rewarding. But, now that my kids are older, I'm beginning to feel the things I missed out on, or gave up, to be a mom. Some of the things I wanted when I was younger are becoming important again, but for different reasons. For most of my life, I was tied to my home, the diaper bag, and my kid's routines and needs. There were times when I was discouraged and it felt like I was in prison. I didn't have any choice about what happened in my life, or what I got to do, my kid's needs determined everything. Now that they are older, I am feeling more freedom to explore my own dreams and needs. I need to feel free. I need adventure, instead of routines. I need to expand my horizons beyond my front door. My husband just can't understand.

He works an extremely high stress job. He deals with other people's problems all day, every day. He sees the most dysfunctional people and relationships. For him,being home is a source of peace. He sees the worst, and home is his haven. He doesn't want to travel anywhere, he wants peace from the issues he deals with at work.

Our dreams, and needs, are completely at odds with each other. We are gridlocked. It will take work and patience to get into a good place. Thankfully, Dr. Gottman has developed strategies to deal with gridlock.

First, we have to be willing to explore each other's dreams and the feelings behind them. We need to talk about the "why's" behind our desires. This is probably going to be difficult and emotional, so we need to be prepared. We have to listen, and try to understand each other's feelings and emotions.
Second, we have to be prepared to soothe each other if the discussion gets heated. Watch for emotional flooding and use repairs, or strategies to lighten the mood. Sometimes, it might be necessary to take a break and cool down.

Finally, it is vital that we reach a compromise. Each partner has to decide what they are willing to give up, and what they can't compromise on, then work within that framework. Find an arrangement you can both live with. If you are both willing to be flexible, it is possible for the issue to stop being a source of pain and conflict. That is the goal! It doesn't change, our align our dreams, but it does allow us to understand and support each other.

Anger in Marriage

Anger. Ever felt it? I think it might be one of the most damaging things in a marriage, over the long term, if it isn't resolved or dealt with. So many times, in my own marriage, I have felt completely justified in being unreasonably angry with my husband. So many times, I just knew I was right, and that's all I cared about.

The worst part about being angry, is that I tell myself that I can't help being mad. Someone else "made me lose my temper". This is a lie. No one held a gun to my head and told me I had to be mad. I was never threatened with harm if I didn't lose control. The only person that has any responsibility for my reactions is me. It isn't an accident, or something that just happens. It is a choice I make, and it is usually a bad one.

When I was a kid, I had a shirt that said, "The Devil Made Me Do It" along with a picture of a pitch fork and devil horns. It was my favorite shirt for a long time. I even used it as a excuse when I got into trouble. My mom would say, "Toni, doing the right thing is always a choice. The Devil doesn't make us do anything." I think I can apply Mom's wisdom to anger in my marriage.

When something upsets us or floods us with emotion, it can be so difficult to choose our reaction. It is natural to get angry and lash out. Viktor E. Frankl, author and holocaust survivor, said,
"Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom."

Frankl is implying that we react without thinking. We don't choose our behavior, and our reactions are just a reflex; something we can't help but do. But he wants us to take a moment when we are angry to find the "space"; the small moment in time where we feel the hurt or anger, but are still rational enough to make decisions. It is a small space that requires that we be attuned to our emotions, habits and opportunities. It is in that space that we have the chance to be different, to grow and free ourselves from excuses. We get to choose to respond reasonably, kindly, and civilly. That space happens right before "the Devil makes us do it". It is when we get to choose to be at our best, or our worst.

It is so easy to get angry with our loved ones. It makes no sense that the people we love the most are the one's we treat the worst. It has been suggested that when we find ourselves in that "space", we should react to our spouse or family member the way we would react to a stranger. When a stranger bumps into us, we say "excuse me", not "watch it!". We allow strangers to make mistakes, but we can't seem to show that same generosity to the ones we love the most. But it doesn't have to be that way.

Our spouse deserves our greatest generosity; our whole soul and our best efforts. I know that I often react harshly and without thinking about the affect of my words, but strangely, I often recognize the "space" and still choose anger. Today, I resolve to do better, and be better; to love more thoroughly, forgive more freely, and take the opportunity to grow closer to my spouse instead of pushing him away with my angry reactions.

Beware of Pride

Does anyone else feel like the world has become all about the individual? We hear phrases like "You do you", or "whatever makes you happy" and we can see that the world has adopted an "all for me" philosophy. There are many people that are unwilling to make themselves unhappy or uncomfortable for any reason. According to H. W. Goddard, "We are devoted to finding happiness-and we are seeking happiness in ways that guarantee emptiness." Notice that he didn't say ways that guarantee unhappiness; he said emptiness. Unhappiness means- the feeling of not being satisfied or pleased with a situation. But look at the word emptiness. It means-the quality of lacking meaning or sincerity; meaninglessness or the quality of having no value or purpose; futility.

This "all for me" attitude is leaving us feeling empty, with no meaning, no value and no purpose. That sounds so much worse than being unhappy. Why is this happening? When we focus on ourselves, why are we left with nothing? I have a few ideas about that.

 We are often so centered on ourselves that we make sure everyone around us knows they come in second place. They are less important than we are, and we care less about their needs than we do our own. We head off on an adventure to "find ourselves" or to find meaning in life. We may travel the world and see incredible works of art, architecture or natural wonders. When we get home, we have no one to share it all with. We have pushed everyone away in our search for self. We are left empty because we haven't cultivated a relationship with anyone but ourselves.
If focusing on ourselves leaves us empty, what will fill us and what will it fill us with? Sri Chinmoy wrote,

How can one get the greatest joy?
Not by possessing,
But by sacrificing.

How does giving up what we want fill us with joy? It seems backward, but it is reality. Focusing on others and sacrificing for another forces us to let go of our pride,  and our desires. Rather than turning inward, into ourselves, we focus outward, on the needs of others. Sacrifice and being other-focused helps us see from someone else's perspective. We see through their eyes and allow their vision to change us, to help us grow.

 
Think of a woman with a new baby. She spent nine months sharing her body with a tiny human; someone she had never met. During those nine months of morning sickness, fatigue, cravings, swollen ankles and waddling like a duck, she learned to love that little person she had never met. She did everything she could to protect that child. Then when it was time for the child to be born, she went through excruciating pain for a stranger. When she finally holds her baby in her arms, she experiences a feeling of pure love. Is that love just because of the cute, chubby baby she is holding? Or is that love born of sacrifice. All the difficult things she went through caused her to be filled with joy at the sight of her child. Sacrifice is the source of all the joy we will feel in life.

 Our marriages are also filled with sacrifices; some big, some small, all significant. Sacrifice and humility are the antidote to the self-centered, self-focused sin of pride. Sacrifice shows love, and is the source of joy. Humility is the acknowledgement that we are dependent on someone else; not because we have to be, but because we choose to be. In marriage, humility and forgiveness are vital to having joy. Humility and forgiveness help us to realize that life has never been about us as individuals. It teaches us that everyone is valuable and deserves love, respect and compassion. Humility allows us to see the very best in our spouse despite their flaws. Humility and sacrifice allow us to love with our whole souls and be left filled.

Small Moments, Big Rewards

There is a saying that goes, "Appreciate the little things, for one day you may look back and find out they were big things." I believe that is true in life, but it is especially true in marriage. The little things we do for, and with, our spouse are important. Every day, we are faced with choices in marriage. Do we help our partner with the dishes? Do we put away their laundry? Do we run errands together when we really want to stay home and relax? Each choice we make is an opportunity to make a small thing into something big. Each choice is a chance to turn toward our spouse and share a moment or experience. Each choice is a chance to show our love in small, but significant, ways.

Dr. John Gottman said, "Many people think the secret to reconnecting with their partner is a candlelit dinner or a by-the-sea-vacation. The real secret is to turn toward each other in the little ways every day." The small, every day interactions are where we show love. For some reason, those small things are also sometimes the hardest sacrifices to make.

 Chad and I live on a small, family farm. We raise horses, chickens, pigs and goats. This means that twice a day, every day, 365 days a year, we have animals to feed. It is a lot of work, and there are days I dread it. Chad can do the chores by himself in about 20 minutes, and often I'm not able to help because of kids, homework, or dinner. But there are days that he asks me to come help. And there are days I really don't want to. I'm grateful I know that he really doesn't need my help; rather, he wants my company. He wants to talk and connect. He wants me to know he cares and wants to spend time with me. It is one of many ways he shows me he loves me. He is so good at it, and I am so selfish by comparison. But I'm trying to do better.

 A couple of weeks ago I talked about Positive Sentiment Override. Do you remember? It is when you have more positive experiences or thoughts about your spouse than you do negative thoughts. Those excess positive thoughts are so powerful. They tip the scales when times are hard and keep the relationship afloat. Part of Positive Sentiment Override is having these small moments where we come together and connect. We make each other more important that whatever else we could, or should, be doing. These are the times we nurture our friendship and share our loads. These small, intimate moments are where our relationship is strengthened. I've tried to become more aware of theses little chances to spend time together. I've even tried to orchestrate them. To my delight, the tiny amount of effort I've expended has paid huge dividends. Now that I'm looking for chances to spend time with my husband, I find them everywhere, and I'm excited about it. It has made me love him more. I have been able to learn new things about him that we probably wouldn't talk about if we were sitting on the couch. I feel like my heart fills just a little bit more each time we turn toward each other and make time for the little, big, things.

**Week 7**

Sacrifice and Devotion in Marriage

Pardon my rambling today. I hope you can be patient while I work through my thoughts. There are so many things going through my head in regard to my studies on marriage. So many new things I've not deeply considered before, but probably should have.

First, is the principle of sacrifice in marriage. If I'm being completely honest, the only time I think of the sacrifices of marriage is when Chad and I are fighting; then those sacrifices are sometimes used as a weapon. I can't even begin to count the number of ways that's wrong. It is hurtful, unkind and destructive. Thankfully, most of the time I'm pretty good at not counting the cost. I read an interesting take on sacrifice in marriage this week. It is the idea that sacrifice isn't a sacrifice, it is a purchase or an investment.

 Wow! That is not how I usually think about sacrifice. Usually, when we make sacrifices, we feel a little like a martyr; sacrificing for the "greater good", whatever that means. Often, we feel noble or charitable, especially if making the sacrifice is truly hard. It is interesting to think of sacrifice as a form of payment for something we want. When my husband went back to school, I worked the graveyard shift at the local Wal-mart to pay for it. At the time, we had 5 small children and I averaged about 4 hours of sleep on a good day. It was huge sacrifice for me and my children. With that sacrifice, I helped purchase a new, more stable, higher paying career for my husband, which translated into job and financial security for our family. It was definitely worth the price.

But, as I think about it, I'm not sure I'm comfortable calling anything in marriage a sacrifice. It implies that we are giving up something that we need or don't want to live without. It almost feels like we are being selfishly unselfish; counting the cost of what we give up and comparing it to what we get in return. Keeping score would be another way to put it. That feels wrong. If marriage is truly two people choosing to each give 100%, then cost shouldn't matter because both partners are "all in" and devoted to making things work. I read an interesting statement by a man named Tzvetan Todorov, "To care about someone does not mean sacrificing one's time and energy for that person. It means devoting them to the person and taking joy in doing so; in the end, one feels richer for one's efforts, not poorer." If we look at the most powerful words he uses, we can learn a lot. Words like: care, time, energy, devoting, joy, richer. What beautiful, positive words.  But, how do we get there? In our marriages, how do we move from a sacrificing mindset to a more positive devotion mindset?

 One of the ways to change our mindset is to let goodness govern everything we do in our marriage. There are days when that is so hard! But, when we allow goodness and service to become themes in our lives, there isn't room for discontent or counting cost. Love is not something that can be bought or monetized, because it is evident in our feelings and actions; in the things we do to protect and care for those who are important to us. We find joy in serving. That is the essence of true devotion. We give the best of ourselves, and in return we receive the best of our spouse.

Like is says in Luke 6:38, “Give, and it will be given to you. You will have more than enough. It can be pushed down and shaken together and it will still run over as it is given to you. The way you give to others is the way you will receive in return.” (NLV) As we devote ourselves to our marriages, what we get back will be pushed down and shaken together until it is over-flowing; until we are over-flowing with humility, gratitude and devotion from, and for, our spouse. If we want the best out of our marriages, we must offer the best of ourselves; holding nothing back, but expressing our devotion in everything we do. 

That now begs the questions, " what am I holding back from my marriage?" and "why am I withholding part of myself?" I'm going to have to do some serious soul searching before I can answer those questions.

**Week 6**