Being the Mother-In-Law

In-law relationships are a touchy subject. Jokes abound that make mothers-in-law look like the devil's little sister. I'm in the mother-in-law stage of life, and it is really hard. I now work hard to avoid being the meddling mother-in-law and to have healthy boundaries with my married children. But I can see how the transition that happens after a child is married can be difficult for parents.

I raised my children to be very independent. They always worked hard at home and learned to do things for themselves. But when they got married, I wanted to help them avoid some of the pitfalls my husband and I had fallen into. I had good intentions, but those good intentions were definitely misguided. I was a pro at giving unsolicited advice and I was over zealous about trying to help. What I didn't realize at the time, was that by trying to help fix everything for my married kids, I was also handicapping them by not allowing them to go through difficult experiences together. It took my husband to remind me that we had to go through our first years of marriage figuring everything out on our own. We didn't have anyone to ask for advice. The result was a strong marriage where we relied solely on each other, and developed mutual respect and deep friendship. My husband is a very wise man!

Since then, I've gotten really good at keeping my nose out of places it doesn't belong. The payoff is when my daughter calls to tell me about an issue that they have finally figured out how to deal with. She will tell me about their compromise and how they reached their agreement, and I will congratulate them both on their patience and maturity. I get to watch their relationship get stronger, and it is beautiful.

A less difficult aspect of parenting married children revolves around the holidays. From my own experiences, I've learned to give them some freedom and slack about holidays. For most of my marriage, my family insisted we spend holidays and special occasions with them. It wasn't until my kids started asking if we could stay home on Christmas Day that we made a change. My extended family wasn't happy, but my kids were thrilled. We've since been able to establish our own traditions and rituals.


With my married children we've been able to establish a good balance that makes everyone happy. We've started having a family Christmas party the week before the holiday so each couple can enjoy the holiday privately at home. For the remainder of the holidays, the couples switch between families, or spent it together. The arrangement helps my married kids feel like thy have the ability to bow out of family activities and build their own traditions.

I'm grateful that I didn't struggle with this aspect of having married children. The pressure I felt to spend every occasion with family was tremendous, and I don't want to pass on that particular tradition to my kids. It has also helped avoid the tug-of-war that many families feel. We aren't fighting over who has the couple over on what holiday. Usually the couple will tell us a few weeks in advance what their holiday plans are. It has given them healthy boundaries and the freedom to find their identity as a couple.

A couple's identity is very important. It allows them to grow and learn together and decide who they want to be as a couple. This requires them to separate from their parents and learn to rely on, and confide in each other. Spencer W. Kimball, former president of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, has said, "Couples do well to immediately find their own home, separate and apart from that of the in-laws on either side. . . Your married life should become independent of his folks and her folks. . . Live your own lives, being governed by your own decisions. . ."

Navigating the in-law waters can be difficult for both the married couple, and their parents. Healthy boundaries and good communication will make the transition easier and allow the new married couple the opportunity to grow together and become unified as husband and wife. As parents, and in-laws, that is one of the greatest gifts we can give them.